OneVOICE Babble

Vacation Separation

Many survivors of sexual abuse wish they could be normal when it comes to vacations and family gatherings… but what we survived wasnt normal.

I find that many abuse survivors expect time and again that we will be able to join in the excitement leading up to a getaway… whether it is a time of reuniting with family and friends for fun, or a quiet, relaxing resort away from regular life. But it can be a letdown when you find that your true window of time to be present and engaged with those around you is minimal and the anxiety level is steep.

Some of us prefer to paint on the smile and tough it out, just as we always did, even during abuse.

Don’t speak. Don’t rock the boat. For the sake of everyone else, keep it together, enjoy as much as you can, but just get through it.

Others don’t even try. They just stay home.

Why is it so tough? I’ll be honest; I am still navigating this one. Still trying to understand my idiosyncrasies. (And my idiot-sin-and-crazies…healing is a lifelong journey, right?!)  Yes. But I can tell you this as we relate to vacation:

We struggle when our boundaries are stretched or breached. We struggle with the feeling of a loss of control. We struggle sleeping in new places. We struggle relating to new people in our living quarters…or when we are temporarily living in theirs. We struggle when we don’t get space and solitude. We struggle when we feel caged. We struggle when those around us seem moody, sensitive or controlling. We struggle when we feel like we have to walk on eggshells, when when we feel we are to be the peacemakers and keep everyone happy, or when we feel we aren’t living up to expectation. We struggle with our beach bodies. We struggle because our normal routines that help us feel safe are still back at home. We struggle because our daily support system is not operating in its normal way and, worse, sometimes technology isn’t accessible to keep us connected. We struggle when we are dissociated. We struggle when we are apart from those who help us survive on a daily basis. And we struggle because the reality is: many of us were abused, molested and/or raped while on vacation. And we struggle because we remember.

Vacation triggers us.

And as hard as we try to not allow it to, oftentimes we just can’t stop it from happening.

So a note to those who relate… you are not alone. Care for yourself. Even if it means going against the grain. Find your VOICE. Share your struggle with someone you trust and allow them to help protect you while you are with them away from your home… and share your struggle with someone you trust who will help support you from a distance while you are away. 

And a note to those who don’t relate… try to understand. It’s not about you. Don’t make it about you. Just love the survivor in your life. Listen, support and allow healing to take place along the journey; it is for the better of all of us.

God bless you all! Hope you are enjoying your summer!

Keep it cool,

Nicole

What struggle do you relate to? What can you add to the discussion?

Memories and Summer Vacations: The Painful Ones

Memories. They are some of the most difficult places we encounter on this journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse. Remembering the horrific things we endured is a painful thing. And, bubbling to the surface along with each memory, are the emotions and sensory responses similar to what may have surrounded the event, making it feel almost as if it were happening to us now. It’s all so much for a survivor to face alone. And, since sexual abuse isn’t typically a one-time occurrence, so also is memory work not often a one-time process. 

I’m often quoted as saying: “healing is a lifelong journey” and I was recently reminded of that truth myself, specifically in relation to memories. 

For me as a youngster, family vacation was a time of excitement and expectation laced with fear, confusion, sexualization, secrets and sadness. The majority of the abuse I endured at the hands of my stepfather occurred on our family’s summer trips. It would happen in the ocean, in the parking lot, in the pool, on the elevator, in our hotel room. My stepfather’s molestation was sneaky and scheming. I felt controlled in every sense. I was afraid to tell, but I desperately wanted to; I was fearful of being alone with my stepdad on vacation, but I was just as frightened by what might happen if this secret was somehow revealed. I never knew what was waiting for me around the corner, whether my stepfather’s intentions in each moment were going to be good or bad, whether I would have a normal father/daughter experience or a twisted one, and I didn’t know how to protect myself from the latter. The safest answer I knew was to be silent and endure.

Needless to say, I was taken advantage of…summer after summer. So many family vacations I wanted to forget.

Fast forward to 2011.

Last week I watched my own children build castles in the sand; we splashed in the pool together; and my two year old and I walked the beach, collecting seashells as the sun slowly fell to sleep below the horizon. I talked with my son about everything we saw, heard, smelled and touched. A quiet moment came as we walked, hand-in-hand, and my mind drifted back to my own childhood…times when these activities didn’t carry the genuine smiles, laughter and screaming excitement I was now witnessing from my own kids.

Photo (c) Nicole Bromley

Emotion from my past swept over me like the ocean waves, telling me that vacations were not fun and that family was not safe. The mental images of molestation at Virginia Beach, Disney World, Washington DC, and the Bahamas were so vivid. They brought familiar feelings, yet they were distant experiences. Memories of sexual abuse can be that way.

But I have learned that, in order to heal and walk through my memories, I must remember what is in the past and what is my current reality, I must focus on what is true and I must hold onto what is hopeful.

The reality for all of us sexual abuse survivors is that we have been through something horrible—something we never deserved—and we must face those real things (best done with the help of a counselor or someone trained to help walk with you through that process). The truth is that we are not there now. For me, those experiences occurred 15 years ago and my stepfather is no longer here to hurt me. I may still hurt, screw-up, feel frightened or alone in the days ahead, but God is my grace and comfort and He will never leave or forsake me on the path before me. I must also remember the wonderful people currently in my life—special family and friends who support and love me—and know that I am not a victim of my circumstances. I have power to choose. I also have purpose and responsibilities today that are far too important to remove my focus from. Among these is being a wife to a faithful, amazing husband and another is being a mom to two beautiful boys—and, as such, I am in the position to nurture and protect my kids as best I can and not allow the effects of my past to continue on to my children and the rest of their generation. I can and will make those choices. I hope you will join me when you face our own triggers that assuredly bring up painful memories from your past. 

“Overcoming your triggers will take a conscious effort at first. Sometimes you’ll have to force your mind stay in the present. Remind yourself where you are, and how old you are, and whom you’re with. Communicate with [someone you trust]… Share your feelings, thoughts, and concerns… I have found that living with my fears brings me more hurt and chaos than facing them and trusting the Lord to help me overcome them.”

(excerpt from Hush, by Nicole Braddock Bromley, 2007)

With God’s hand in ours, walking the beaches of our memories, we can experience freedom from the painful memories of the past and experience genuine joy in the days ahead.

May God bless our journeys,

Nicole

What has helped you walk through your own painful memories?