OneVOICE Babble

Vacation Separation

Many survivors of sexual abuse wish they could be normal when it comes to vacations and family gatherings… but what we survived wasnt normal.

I find that many abuse survivors expect time and again that we will be able to join in the excitement leading up to a getaway… whether it is a time of reuniting with family and friends for fun, or a quiet, relaxing resort away from regular life. But it can be a letdown when you find that your true window of time to be present and engaged with those around you is minimal and the anxiety level is steep.

Some of us prefer to paint on the smile and tough it out, just as we always did, even during abuse.

Don’t speak. Don’t rock the boat. For the sake of everyone else, keep it together, enjoy as much as you can, but just get through it.

Others don’t even try. They just stay home.

Why is it so tough? I’ll be honest; I am still navigating this one. Still trying to understand my idiosyncrasies. (And my idiot-sin-and-crazies…healing is a lifelong journey, right?!)  Yes. But I can tell you this as we relate to vacation:

We struggle when our boundaries are stretched or breached. We struggle with the feeling of a loss of control. We struggle sleeping in new places. We struggle relating to new people in our living quarters…or when we are temporarily living in theirs. We struggle when we don’t get space and solitude. We struggle when we feel caged. We struggle when those around us seem moody, sensitive or controlling. We struggle when we feel like we have to walk on eggshells, when when we feel we are to be the peacemakers and keep everyone happy, or when we feel we aren’t living up to expectation. We struggle with our beach bodies. We struggle because our normal routines that help us feel safe are still back at home. We struggle because our daily support system is not operating in its normal way and, worse, sometimes technology isn’t accessible to keep us connected. We struggle when we are dissociated. We struggle when we are apart from those who help us survive on a daily basis. And we struggle because the reality is: many of us were abused, molested and/or raped while on vacation. And we struggle because we remember.

Vacation triggers us.

And as hard as we try to not allow it to, oftentimes we just can’t stop it from happening.

So a note to those who relate… you are not alone. Care for yourself. Even if it means going against the grain. Find your VOICE. Share your struggle with someone you trust and allow them to help protect you while you are with them away from your home… and share your struggle with someone you trust who will help support you from a distance while you are away. 

And a note to those who don’t relate… try to understand. It’s not about you. Don’t make it about you. Just love the survivor in your life. Listen, support and allow healing to take place along the journey; it is for the better of all of us.

God bless you all! Hope you are enjoying your summer!

Keep it cool,

Nicole

What struggle do you relate to? What can you add to the discussion?

Holiday Survival: Day 2

Create new traditions.

A fave quote from one of my fave movies, Elf, goes like this: ”We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup.”

Some of us are like Buddy the Elf. We prefer to stick to the same things every holiday season: the same cookies, the same music, the same decorations, the same outings, with the same people, in the same town, year after year. Don’t get me wrong—a good tradition can make the holidays nostalgic, memorable, warm, exciting and fun! But we should acknowledge here that it can make life hard for some, too.

If an old holiday tradition relates you back to a bad memory or maybe a good memory that you are grieving a loss from, then consider taking a break from it this year — or getting rid of the tradition in your holiday plans forever.

Remember: there is no right or wrong way to do the holidays. Make up your own traditions!

If Christmas caroling makes you wanna vom because you did that every year with the family that abused and abandoned you, then this year take some friends to the local homeless shelter and serve a meal instead. Or visit with some lonely grammas and grampas in your town’s assisted living center. Instead of taking a full weekend to bake your Great-Aunt Yolanda’s famous cut-out cookies, go for a long walk with a friend, build a ginormous snowman with your kids, or get tickets for the Nutcracker Ballet.

As you create new positive associations with the holidays, you can replace the negative ones, turning a horrible holiday season into a happier one.

Do you have a favorite tradition? Or recommendations for survivors looking for new ideas this year? 

A favorite new tradition for me is curling up with a soft blanket, a cup of hot cocoa and watching ELF — it brings out my high-pitched kid laugh, year after year!

~Nicole

Memories and Summer Vacations: The Painful Ones

Memories. They are some of the most difficult places we encounter on this journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse. Remembering the horrific things we endured is a painful thing. And, bubbling to the surface along with each memory, are the emotions and sensory responses similar to what may have surrounded the event, making it feel almost as if it were happening to us now. It’s all so much for a survivor to face alone. And, since sexual abuse isn’t typically a one-time occurrence, so also is memory work not often a one-time process. 

I’m often quoted as saying: “healing is a lifelong journey” and I was recently reminded of that truth myself, specifically in relation to memories. 

For me as a youngster, family vacation was a time of excitement and expectation laced with fear, confusion, sexualization, secrets and sadness. The majority of the abuse I endured at the hands of my stepfather occurred on our family’s summer trips. It would happen in the ocean, in the parking lot, in the pool, on the elevator, in our hotel room. My stepfather’s molestation was sneaky and scheming. I felt controlled in every sense. I was afraid to tell, but I desperately wanted to; I was fearful of being alone with my stepdad on vacation, but I was just as frightened by what might happen if this secret was somehow revealed. I never knew what was waiting for me around the corner, whether my stepfather’s intentions in each moment were going to be good or bad, whether I would have a normal father/daughter experience or a twisted one, and I didn’t know how to protect myself from the latter. The safest answer I knew was to be silent and endure.

Needless to say, I was taken advantage of…summer after summer. So many family vacations I wanted to forget.

Fast forward to 2011.

Last week I watched my own children build castles in the sand; we splashed in the pool together; and my two year old and I walked the beach, collecting seashells as the sun slowly fell to sleep below the horizon. I talked with my son about everything we saw, heard, smelled and touched. A quiet moment came as we walked, hand-in-hand, and my mind drifted back to my own childhood…times when these activities didn’t carry the genuine smiles, laughter and screaming excitement I was now witnessing from my own kids.

Photo (c) Nicole Bromley

Emotion from my past swept over me like the ocean waves, telling me that vacations were not fun and that family was not safe. The mental images of molestation at Virginia Beach, Disney World, Washington DC, and the Bahamas were so vivid. They brought familiar feelings, yet they were distant experiences. Memories of sexual abuse can be that way.

But I have learned that, in order to heal and walk through my memories, I must remember what is in the past and what is my current reality, I must focus on what is true and I must hold onto what is hopeful.

The reality for all of us sexual abuse survivors is that we have been through something horrible—something we never deserved—and we must face those real things (best done with the help of a counselor or someone trained to help walk with you through that process). The truth is that we are not there now. For me, those experiences occurred 15 years ago and my stepfather is no longer here to hurt me. I may still hurt, screw-up, feel frightened or alone in the days ahead, but God is my grace and comfort and He will never leave or forsake me on the path before me. I must also remember the wonderful people currently in my life—special family and friends who support and love me—and know that I am not a victim of my circumstances. I have power to choose. I also have purpose and responsibilities today that are far too important to remove my focus from. Among these is being a wife to a faithful, amazing husband and another is being a mom to two beautiful boys—and, as such, I am in the position to nurture and protect my kids as best I can and not allow the effects of my past to continue on to my children and the rest of their generation. I can and will make those choices. I hope you will join me when you face our own triggers that assuredly bring up painful memories from your past. 

“Overcoming your triggers will take a conscious effort at first. Sometimes you’ll have to force your mind stay in the present. Remind yourself where you are, and how old you are, and whom you’re with. Communicate with [someone you trust]… Share your feelings, thoughts, and concerns… I have found that living with my fears brings me more hurt and chaos than facing them and trusting the Lord to help me overcome them.”

(excerpt from Hush, by Nicole Braddock Bromley, 2007)

With God’s hand in ours, walking the beaches of our memories, we can experience freedom from the painful memories of the past and experience genuine joy in the days ahead.

May God bless our journeys,

Nicole

What has helped you walk through your own painful memories?

When Holiday = Hole of a Day

Whether it’s the added poundage put on from consuming one too many egg nog shakes from the Mickey-D’s drive-thru, or whether it’s more serious like grief, loneliness, triggers or anxiety coming from circumstances such as loss, addiction or abuse… the holidays, for some of us, can… well… SUCK.

Just tryin to keep it real here…

I have found that, for many abuse survivors specifically, Halloween through New Year’s often feels like an internal war zone. And that breaks my heart. It shouldn’t be that way. I say it’s time to reclaim this chunk of the year and it’s my hope that you will join me. :) 

 Tune in to this blog for the next couple of weeks for a Tip-A-Day to get through the holidays. And as you do, I pray God gives you a peace that passes understanding during this sometimes difficult season.

Nicole

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Holiday Survival 101: DAY 1

You are not alone.

In the movie, A Charlie Brown Christmas, we find Charlie sharing honestly with his dear pal, Linus: “I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.” 

I think Charlie helps us to recognize the high expectation that the season, family, friends, etc, place on us. He also serves as a good example of how to be honest about our feelings with those we trust. 

Have you ever noticed when you are willing and courageous enough to share your innermost thoughts and feelings with others, you often come to realize you are not alone? 

Make time to confide in someone you trust about the emotions the holidays bring up for you. And take time to listen to someone else’s story, too. There is healing in sharing…and in caring. Be intentional about surrounding yourself with your “circle of inspiration” and the holidays won’t feel as drab as Charlie’s tree this year.

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