OneVOICE Babble

Vacation Separation

Many survivors of sexual abuse wish they could be normal when it comes to vacations and family gatherings… but what we survived wasnt normal.

I find that many abuse survivors expect time and again that we will be able to join in the excitement leading up to a getaway… whether it is a time of reuniting with family and friends for fun, or a quiet, relaxing resort away from regular life. But it can be a letdown when you find that your true window of time to be present and engaged with those around you is minimal and the anxiety level is steep.

Some of us prefer to paint on the smile and tough it out, just as we always did, even during abuse.

Don’t speak. Don’t rock the boat. For the sake of everyone else, keep it together, enjoy as much as you can, but just get through it.

Others don’t even try. They just stay home.

Why is it so tough? I’ll be honest; I am still navigating this one. Still trying to understand my idiosyncrasies. (And my idiot-sin-and-crazies…healing is a lifelong journey, right?!)  Yes. But I can tell you this as we relate to vacation:

We struggle when our boundaries are stretched or breached. We struggle with the feeling of a loss of control. We struggle sleeping in new places. We struggle relating to new people in our living quarters…or when we are temporarily living in theirs. We struggle when we don’t get space and solitude. We struggle when we feel caged. We struggle when those around us seem moody, sensitive or controlling. We struggle when we feel like we have to walk on eggshells, when when we feel we are to be the peacemakers and keep everyone happy, or when we feel we aren’t living up to expectation. We struggle with our beach bodies. We struggle because our normal routines that help us feel safe are still back at home. We struggle because our daily support system is not operating in its normal way and, worse, sometimes technology isn’t accessible to keep us connected. We struggle when we are dissociated. We struggle when we are apart from those who help us survive on a daily basis. And we struggle because the reality is: many of us were abused, molested and/or raped while on vacation. And we struggle because we remember.

Vacation triggers us.

And as hard as we try to not allow it to, oftentimes we just can’t stop it from happening.

So a note to those who relate… you are not alone. Care for yourself. Even if it means going against the grain. Find your VOICE. Share your struggle with someone you trust and allow them to help protect you while you are with them away from your home… and share your struggle with someone you trust who will help support you from a distance while you are away. 

And a note to those who don’t relate… try to understand. It’s not about you. Don’t make it about you. Just love the survivor in your life. Listen, support and allow healing to take place along the journey; it is for the better of all of us.

God bless you all! Hope you are enjoying your summer!

Keep it cool,

Nicole

What struggle do you relate to? What can you add to the discussion?

Holiday Survival: Day 9

Reach out and welcome in.

During the holiday season we see suicide rates rise, alcoholics fall off the wagon and marriages crumble. Everyone is trying to survive the holiday…but many are not doing it well. If we want to not only survive the holiday season, but to thrive in it, we need to consider ways we can make the holiday better for someone else. 

If you have decided to set a boundary so thick with the fam this year that you aren’t planning to attend their holiday gathering, then don’t sit at home alone. 

You never know what could happen if you do that—you might find yourself in the middle of a hundred homemade booby traps—made up of your own unhealthy coping mechs!

Not good. 

Instead, I challenge you to step outside of yourself this year. If you know what it feels like to be alone, afraid, to be the foreigner, to feel unwelcome, strange, unfortunate, unloved, unsettled or unworthy, then reach out to someone else who may be feeling something similar. Give them a holiday they’ll never forget.

Make a difference this Christmas in your own home. Host a party for foreign exchange students. Send a Christmas dinner invitation to a friend who has lost a spouse or child through death or divorce. Invite an elderly neighbor over for lunch. Offer to have a meal with the homeless. 

Adding a seat or two or five at your holiday table will not cost you much, but will make the world of difference for someone who is hurting and feeling lonely. And trust me, you will be the one receiving far more than anyone. It is a joy to give.

“…we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” (Acts 20:35)

Reaching out and welcoming in also serves as a great example and opportunity for your kids to experience the true meaning and joy of Christmas: giving, not receiving. So take your family and serve at the local food pantry or shelter, write encouraging letters to those serving in our military or deliver some gifts to the sick kids in your local Children’s Hospital. 

And if someone extends a welcome to you this year, don’t be shy—graciously accept it! 

Let’s open our hearts and homes this holiday; let’s show others the truth that they matter and are loved; and let’s give the hope that things can get better. In turn, we ourselves might just come to understand and believe it too.

May God bless you as you reach out, welcome in and give to others in need!

When HOLIDAY Feels Like HOLE-OF-A-DAY

Whether it’s the added poundage put on from consuming one too many egg nog shakes from the Mickey-D’s drive-thru, or whether it’s more serious like grief, loneliness, triggers or anxiety coming from circumstances such as loss, addiction or abuse… the holidays, for some of us, can… well… SUCK.

Just tryin to keep it real here…

I have found that, for many abuse survivors specifically, Halloween through New Year’s often feels like an internal war zone. And that breaks my heart. It shouldn’t be that way. I say it’s time to reclaim this chunk of the year and it’s my hope that you will join me. :) 

Tune in to this blog every day through Christmas for a “Tip-A-Day” to get through the holidays. And as you do, I pray God gives you a peace that passes understanding during this sometimes difficult season.

Nicole

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Holiday Survival 101: DAY 1

You are not alone.

In the movie, A Charlie Brown Christmas, we find Charlie sharing honestly with his dear pal, Linus: “I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.” 

I think Charlie helps us to recognize the high expectation that the season, family, friends, etc, place on us. He also serves as a good example of how to be honest about our feelings with those we trust. 

Have you ever noticed when you are willing and courageous enough to share your innermost thoughts and feelings with others, you often come to realize you are not alone? 

Make time to confide in someone you trust about the emotions the holidays bring up for you. And take time to listen to someone else’s story, too. There is healing in sharing…and in caring. Be intentional about surrounding yourself with your “circle of inspiration” and the holidays won’t feel as drab as Charlie’s tree this year.

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(reblogged from 12/2010)

When Holiday = Hole of a Day

Whether it’s the added poundage put on from consuming one too many egg nog shakes from the Mickey-D’s drive-thru, or whether it’s more serious like grief, loneliness, triggers or anxiety coming from circumstances such as loss, addiction or abuse… the holidays, for some of us, can… well… SUCK.

Just tryin to keep it real here…

I have found that, for many abuse survivors specifically, Halloween through New Year’s often feels like an internal war zone. And that breaks my heart. It shouldn’t be that way. I say it’s time to reclaim this chunk of the year and it’s my hope that you will join me. :) 

 Tune in to this blog for the next couple of weeks for a Tip-A-Day to get through the holidays. And as you do, I pray God gives you a peace that passes understanding during this sometimes difficult season.

Nicole

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Holiday Survival 101: DAY 1

You are not alone.

In the movie, A Charlie Brown Christmas, we find Charlie sharing honestly with his dear pal, Linus: “I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.” 

I think Charlie helps us to recognize the high expectation that the season, family, friends, etc, place on us. He also serves as a good example of how to be honest about our feelings with those we trust. 

Have you ever noticed when you are willing and courageous enough to share your innermost thoughts and feelings with others, you often come to realize you are not alone? 

Make time to confide in someone you trust about the emotions the holidays bring up for you. And take time to listen to someone else’s story, too. There is healing in sharing…and in caring. Be intentional about surrounding yourself with your “circle of inspiration” and the holidays won’t feel as drab as Charlie’s tree this year.

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