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I am overwhelmed and pained by the stories around us of coaches/teachers grooming players/students for sexual abuse. It is every parent’s nightmare… and terribly devastating when it happens under the leadership of someone you trusted as a coach and school professional.
90% of the time, children and teens are sexually abused by someone they know. They are most at risk to be abused by someone they have regular contact with like relatives, coaches, teachers, babysitters, etc. While there is no such thing as a fool-proof warning sign, there are things parents can do and watch out for…Parents must talk with kids/teens about coaches, teachers, pastors or other adults who show signs of sexual interest in children.
Take the time, learn to recognize signs and speak up before another child is harmed.
Teach BOUNDARIES to your KIDS:
People who sexually abuse children often manipulatively cross personal space or even just ignore it all together. Sometimes the adult will begin to hug, touch, kiss, tickle, wrestle with, hold or cuddle with a child or teenager. This is where it begins…but doesn’t end…and it is never okay.
Talk to your kids about why it’s important to tell them or a safe adult if anyone’s behavior makes them uncomfortable. For young kids you can say something like, “Some people need help if they can’t remember the ‘rules’ for how to behave around kids.” Since most of the time children and teens know, and often care about or like the person who abuses them, it is helpful to use neutral language like “the rules” rather than using terms like “predators”, “abusers”, etc.
“A teenager can stop sexual harassment before it starts,” says Todd Crosset, a sports management professor at the University of Massachusetts-Amherst and leading expert on coach-athlete relationships. “Abusive coaches will test the waters, but if you put up any sort of resistance, they’ll back off.”
Watch BOUNDARIES in their COACHES:
Coaches who are grooming children often show signs before they sexually abuse them.
They can seem more focused on relationships with kids than adults. They may turn to a child for emotional or physical comfort; they may share personal or private information or activities with a child/teen; they may even treat the child more like a peer… and then they may give excuses as to why they are “friends”.
They may seem overly interested in the players bodies or their dating relationships or talk to them about sexuality. They might allow their players to get away with inappropriate behaviors; they may show sexual images or tell dirty jokes or talk with them about sexual interactions. Oftentimes, they will spend excessive time emailing, text messaging, or calling their players or students. Ask your child to tell you or another safe adult if this happens to them or a friend. This may be a sign a child or teen is being groomed.
Parents should also keep a look out for coaches who seem to have secret interactions with players. Be aware of those who prefer certain ages or genders of student-athletes and who tend to have a “special” relationship with one player in particular.
Does your child’s coach insist on or manage to spend uninterrupted time alone with a particular player? Often we hear of coach/teacher/youth leader relationships that seem “too good to be true,” (i.e. takes teens to dinner or on special outings alone; buys them gifts for no reason; frequently babysits children for free) and end with terrible outcomes.
HERE IS A MENTAL CHECKLIST FOR PARENTS TO CONSIDER (from StopItNow!):
Experts say that if the answer to any of the following questions is “yes,” it is possible that a coach may be sexually abusing a player…
Does your child’s coach make her feel like she needs him in order to succeed?
Does your child’s coach spend time with you in an attempt to win your trust or try to be a surrogate parent?
Does your child’s coach act differently with her when in front of others?
Does your child’s coach try to control her (even off the field)?
Does your child’s coach try to separate her from her teammates or other sources of support, like you or her friends?
Does your child’s coach spend a lot more time with her than with other athletes?
Does your child’s coach try to be alone with her?
Does your child’s coach give her gifts?
Does your child’s coach tell her not to talk about personal encounters the two of them have had?
PARENTS, FOR THE SAKE OF PREVENTION, BE BOLD.
One of the most effective ways to reduce the risk that your child or a teammate will be a victim of sexual harassment or abuse is to set boundaries at a pre-season meeting. Boundaries provide clarity about the role of a coach, establishes predictability for everyone in what the coach-athlete relationship is to look like and promotes a safe and healthy learning environment.
It may feel awkward to bring this topic up as a parent, but honestly, it would be more awkward to face the reality of some type of risky behavior between a coach and a player and then dealing with the aftermath.
Some helpful examples (from our friends at StopItNow!):
Coaches will only be allowed to touch athletes where appropriate for teaching new skills or in spotting
Coaches will not be allowed into the locker rooms or showers when athletes are changing or showering
Some examples of social boundaries:
Coaches will attend only sport-related social events and awards banquets.
Coaches will avoid parties with athletes outside of sport-related situations.
Coaches will not accept personal gifts from, or give personal gifts to, athletes.
Coaches will not date his/her athletes.
Coaches will never purchase alcohol for his or her athletes.
Coaches will never have sexual relationships with athletes. There is no such thing as a consensual relationship between coach and athlete, no matter the age, because of the power that the coach has over the athlete, says Sabo.
Coaches will never sleep in the same room with his/her athletes in order to save money, or for any other excuse, while attending competitions.
SPEAK UP IF SOMETHING IS FISHY:
If you observe interactions or behaviors that concern you, speak up. Say, “I’m uncomfortable when you hug (name) after every race. How about high-fiving instead?”
If your child suddenly loses interest in an activity they previously enjoyed or tells you they want to quit their sport, consider the possibility that someone has caused them to feel uncomfortable or unsafe… or may be pushing them to quit for their own motives. Support your child’s decision while trying to understand what’s behind it by talking with child further and then with the coach or leader.
If a coach seems to be spending a lot of 1 on 1 time with your child, you need to say, “I’m not comfortable with you spending so much time with (name).” This doesn’t mean you are accusing them of anything, it simply means you are being clear on your boundaries.
Unfortunately, as a culture we are not very comfortable speaking up to other adults. But, we need to realize that we leave children vulnerable when we expect them to set these boundaries for themselves. Speak up for your kids! Help protect them!
IF YOU SENSE ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR:
Journal and keep track of behaviors that concern you. Talk to other parents about your concerns. Work together; take turns being at all sporting events and keeping an eye on things. Every once in a while show up early or unexpectedly and observe interactions.
Talk to your child straight-up. Talk with him about what goes on in practice (and outside of practice!). Ask questions. Get involved. Be engaged. Don’t sweet suspicion under the rug.
And if you have reasonable grounds to suspect that a child may be suffering abuse or is being groomed for such, you should report it to school officials, the local child protection agency or the police.
Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.
If your child tells you that he or she is being harassed, groomed or abused…
Take them somewhere where they can talk freely. Assure them you will do all you can to protect them. Listen and believe. Remind them it wasn’t their fault. Show that you are proud of them. Tell them they are courageous. Never ignore even seemingly trivial calls for help. Support your child. Discuss their options. Help them to restore a sense of control in their lives by involving them in deciding how to deal with the problem. Reassure them over and over. Walk with them on the journey ahead. Always assuring them they did the right thing by telling and that you will be with them every step of the way.
I continue to grieve for the children enslaved and the families affected by child sex trafficking in Southeast Asia. My heart yearns to continue efforts to reach and educate those vulnerable of being trafficked and to rescue and restore those who are currently in chains. We must do all we can to be a solution and to put an end to this evil.
(This is a picture I took of the lock on the OUTSIDE of a room where a tiny young girl I interviewed was forced to service 8-10 men a night. You will be able to hear the story of this child sex slave and many others on the LIFE Today show beginning March 18th and airing new footage daily for 5 weeks.)
(This mother’s story seriously broke me…you must to tune in to hear and see…)
This 5-week television campaign will show you the truth and reality of sex trafficking of children in Cambodia, meanwhile raising support for Rescue LIFE and the incredible work they are doing around the world.
My special in-studio interview will air on LIFE TODAY on March 28 — don’t miss that one!
I am grateful for the partnership between OneVOICE and Rescue LIFE; I am also honored by the incredible support YOU have shown me personally as I continue on this mission to break the chains on sexual abuse and trafficking around the world.
Many have asked how they can get more involved or help support my anti-trafficking work. I want to share with you my heart, my vision and the projects that I am working on; I invite you to partner with me to prayerfully and financially fund some the work ahead:
A. TRANSLATE HUSH into the language of KHMER.
$900*
will employ a missionary couple in Cambodia to translate my book Hush into Cambodia’s official language.
*UPDATE: I am so grateful to Moody Publishers for giving me special permission to TRANSLATE and PUBLISH my book HUSH into the Cambodian language of Khmer. I have also raised just enough money to employ this precious missionary couple in Cambodia to do the translation! It will take them approximately 45 days to translate it…then we go to print (below)!
B. PRINT COPIES of HUSH to distribute to villages of Cambodia.
$10,000-15,000 (or approximately $2-3/book)**
will cover printing costs so that we can pass out copies of Hush and anti-trafficking/abuse information, following an anti-trafficking educational program delivered to villages and locations around Cambodia.
**UPDATE: I have been told that we will be able to pass out over 5,000 copies of the Khmer version of HUSH while doing our anti-trafficking programming there this summer. We will be able to present to 1,200 Cambodians per day for 4-5 days. Please help raise money for the printing costs — we will print as many books as we are able to pay for!
C. FUND a team of OneVOICE ABOLITIONISTS to travel to Cambodia and present anti-trafficking programs.
$10,000
will help us cover partial travel costs for our team to go into the countryside of Cambodia this June and share a message to the people within untouched villages who are at very high-risk of being approached by traffickers. These traffickers disguise themselves as job agencies, promising health, happiness, education, great working conditions, opportunities and fortune to families in poor Cambodian villages, in exchange for 2 years of their childrens’ lives.
Uneducated and unaware, families believe these evildoers and send their young girls away with the hope of a life they could never give to their daughters… most of them never return.
The young girls who do return alive are so brain-damaged and emotionally-destroyed from the intense torture and trauma they experience that they will never be the same again. This has completely broken me, as you will see in the shows airing next month. We MUST reach and educate these parents and communities before another girl is sold into slavery.
D. Provide pencils and notebooks for the children in the countryside.
.75 (cents) for a notebook/pen for 1 child
will give us an opportunity to gather the children and present awareness education and pamphlets on anti-trafficking, as well as share the Gospel in small village communities across the countryside. We can gather hundreds of village children by simply providing these tools and presenting an educational message.
E. BUILD A SCHOOL BUILDING for CAMBODIAN CHILDREN who will become NATION-CHANGERS.
$10,000
will build a new school building in the empty field adjacent to the current school building at the LIFE Center in Cambodia and give room for 70 more children per year to attend school!
The kids at the LIFE Center in Cambodia are truly becoming nation-changers. I have personally visited this beautiful facility; it is a beacon of hope and light in the midst of a dark land and they are doing a phenomenal job of educating and loving on Cambodian orphans and school kids.
The LIFE Center provides one of the highest quality schools in the nation, teaching not only the necessary education, but also English and the love of God; Life Center children also learn how to be self-sufficient, raising crops, fish farms and animals on the school property.These kids are being equipped in every way to change the face and future of their nation. Let’s expand their reach!
Breakdown of the building costs:
$7,000 for the building
$2,000 for the foundation
$800 to tile the floors
$200 for electrical and painting
= $10,000
I would love to see this building being built this summer, while we are there presenting anti-trafficking programming in surrounding areas; then, I may see the building firsthand and share with you the pictures and the joy of providing 70 more children the opportunity to become true nation-changers this fall.
F. Watch LIFE Today, visit their website and GIVE to the cause of RESCUE LIFE!
:) Do it.
My Cambodia Rescue Life television series will begin airing in Mid-March (starting on March 18 and running though April 26).
LIFE TODAY TELEVISION STATION GUIDE
So, there you go.
I may be dreaming…but that is what I do best.
I believe God has broken my heart and is empowering me to partner with you, that we might see these visions and dreams come to LIFE and, thus, that we may all be used to change the world.
YOU CAN BE PART OF A SOLUTION!
I pray you will join me in this and consider helping educate at-risk communities and families about sex trafficking, protecting more children from becoming enslaved and empowering others to raise their voice against this evil that has taken over their nation.
TAKE ACTION! PRAY with us! And GIVE!
CLICK HERE TO DONATE and become a necessary part of this movement and mission! If you want to give to a specific project mentioned, please make a note of that when you send your financial gift.
With Love,
Nicole Bromley
Nicole@iamonevoice.org
HELLO, my VALENTINES!
I believe today is a fine day for me to reveal what is truly on my HEART since returning from Cambodia a few weeks ago. :) I hope you are ready!
My mission alongside the LIO film crew in Cambodia impacted me much more than I had expected it would. I continue to grieve for the children enslaved and the families affected by child sex trafficking in Southeast Asia. My heart yearns to continue efforts to reach and educate those vulnerable of being trafficked and to rescue and restore those who are currently in chains.
I know you are awaiting details on when my interviews with child sex slaves and mothers who unknowingly sold their daughters to traffickers will be aired.
(This woman’s story seriously broke me…you must to tune in to hear and see…)
Film producers are wrapping up edits and production for a 5-week campaign on the LIFE Today television show beginning in MID-MARCH. This means that for 5 weeks, you will be able to view footage and interviews DAILY!
And my FULL episode in-studio will air on Thursday March 28, so def dont miss that one!
(The lock on the OUTSIDE of a room where a tiny young girl I interviewed was forced to service 8-10 men a night. You will be able to hear her story and others on the show…)
This campaign will show you the truth and reality of sex trafficking of children in Cambodia, meanwhile raising support for Rescue LIFE and the incredible work they are doing around the world.
I am grateful for the partnership between OneVOICE and Rescue LIFE; I am also honored by the incredible support YOU have shown me personally as I continue on this mission to break the chains on sexual abuse and trafficking around the world.
Many have asked how they can get more involved or help support my work. I want to share with you my heart and some of my vision and the projects that I am working on; I invite you to partner with me to prayerfully and financially fund some the work ahead:
A. TRANSLATE HUSH into the language of KHMER.
$650
will employ a missionary couple in Cambodia to translate my book Hush into Cambodia’s official language.
B. PRINT COPIES of HUSH to distribute to villages of Cambodia.
$1000
will cover printing costs so that we can pass out copies of Hush and anti-trafficking/abuse information, following an anti-trafficking educational program delivered to villages and locations around Cambodia.
C. FUND a team of OneVOICE ABOLITIONISTS to travel to Cambodia and present anti-trafficking programs.
$10,000
will help us cover partial travel costs for our team to share a message to villages that are at very high-risk of being approached by traffickers. These traffickers disguise themselves as job agencies, promising health, happiness, education, great working conditions, opportunities and fortune to families in poor Cambodian villages, in exchange for 2 years of their childrens’ lives.
Uneducated and unaware, families believe these evildoers and send their young girls away with the hope of a life they could never give to their daughters… most of them never return.
The young girls who do return alive are so brain-damaged and emotionally-destroyed from the intense torture and trauma they experience that they will never be the same again. This has completely broken me, as you will see in the shows airing next month. We MUST reach and educate these parents and communities before another girl is sold into slavery.
D. Provide pencils and notebooks for the children in the countryside.
.75 (cents) for a notebook/pen for 1 child
will give us an opportunity to gather the children and present awareness education and pamphlets on anti-trafficking, as well as share the Gospel in small village communities across the countryside. We can gather hundreds of village children by simply providing these tools and presenting an educational message.
E. BUILD A SCHOOL BUILDING for CAMBODIAN CHILDREN who will become NATION-CHANGERS.
$10,000
will build a new school building in the empty field adjacent to the current school building at the LIFE Center in Cambodia and give room for 70 more children per year to attend school!
The kids at the LIFE Center in Cambodia are truly becoming nation-changers. I have personally visited this beautiful facility; it is a beacon of hope and light in the midst of a dark land and they are doing a phenomenal job of educating and loving on Cambodian orphans and school kids.
The LIFE Center provides one of the highest quality schools in the nation, teaching not only the necessary education, but also English and the love of God; Life Center children also learn how to be self-sufficient, raising crops, fish farms and animals on the school property. These kids are being equipped in every way to change the face and future of their nation. Let’s expand their reach!
Breakdown of the building costs:
$7,000 for the building
$2,000 for the foundation
$800 to tile the floors
$200 for electrical and painting
= $10,000
I would love to see this building go up this summer, so that if I am able to go back and present anti-trafficking programming, then I may see the building firsthand and share with you the pictures and the joy of providing 70 more children the opportunity to become true nation-changers this fall.
F. Watch LIFE Today, visit their website and GIVE to the cause of RESCUE LIFE!
:) Do it.
My Cambodia Rescue Life television series will begin airing in Mid-March (starting on March 18 I believe and running though April 26); I will update as I know, for certain.
LIFE TODAY TELEVISION STATION GUIDE
So, there you go.
I may be dreaming…but that is what I do best.
I believe God has broken my heart and is empowering me to partner with you, that we might see these visions and dreams come to LIFE and, thus, that we may all be used to change the world.
YOU CAN BE PART OF A SOLUTION!
I pray you will join me in this and consider helping educate at-risk communities and families about sex trafficking, protecting more children from becoming enslaved and empowering others to raise their voice against this evil that has taken over their nation.
TAKE ACTION!
PRAY with us!
And CLICK HERE TO GIVE to become a necessary part of this movement and mission! If you want to give to a specific project mentioned, please make a note of that when you make your donation.
With Love,
Nicole Bromley
Nicole@iamonevoice.org
Many of you are asking me how you can make a difference in the lives of the people you are seeing in my pictures…you are wanting to do all you can to help, before we have even completed the filming here in Cambodia! You haven’t gotten anything more than a small pinch of their stories yet! You all amaze me.
Your hearts of generosity and love for these people and especially the plight of children here has woken me in the night and brought me to more tears. Thank you. Thank you for letting your heart be broken for what breaks the heart of God.
For those who tell me they feel called to do more than pray and to be a voice, please give your best gift through this donation page at Rescue Life. Believe me, it is going to a cause who WILL use your money to REACH, RESCUE and RESTORE these girls’ lives…as well as prevent other children from being taken or sold. There are good people doing a good work here. Let’s do what we can to support them and the ever-so-vital work they are doing here daily.
It is vitally important to teach your child key safety principles about their body, touch, abuse and communication from very early ages. There are so many teaching points to list here, but for the sake of sharing a few…here are is a good place to start.
Teach children:
to use the proper names of their body parts. Just as you teach your children to call their nose a nose, they need to know what to call their private parts. This knowledge gives children the correct language needed for understanding their bodies, for asking questions they might have, expressing concern about parts of their body, and for telling about any behavior regarding sexual abuse.
that they should tell you or a trusted adult immediately if someone is showing them something that makes them uneasy or talking to them in ways that make them feel uncomfortable. Teach them that things like this should never stay a secret (more to come on secrets), and that they should tell a trusted adult as soon as possible
to set boundaries. Have a child practice moving your hand away from their body within a simple safe touch (like a shoulder or hand) and saying something like, “please stop.” This prepares children to set boundaries with a more uncomfortable or dangerous type of touch. Teach kids that it’s okay to say “NO” to touches or situations that make them feel uncomfortable. You might also consider having them practice interrupting a busy adult to say, “I need help.”
that no one is to touch them in their private areas—and that their private areas are the areas their bathing suit covers. Teach them that the “safety rule” is that other people should not be touching or looking at their private parts unless they need to in order to provide care (like a doctor)—and even in those cases, a parent of trusted caregiver should be there with them. Explain to the child that “you need to tell me if anyone—no matter who it is, or how much we love them—breaks this safety rule and touches you inappropriately.” Also explain kids that it is unacceptable for someone else to use manipulation, blackmail, coercion, control, etc to get them touch someone else’s body.
that they can come to you with questions or concerns at any time. It is never too late to tell you anything. Make it a practice of asking something like, “Is there anything you’ve been wondering or worrying about that we haven’t talked about lately?”
that their bodies belong to them and they can make choices related to the boundaries of their bodies.Let children know that it is okay for them to decline a friendly hug or kiss, even from a friend or family member they love. Making kids feel obligated to kiss or hug people when they don’t want to, sends the signal that they must use their bodies to make others happy or that they are responsible for the emotional state of others.If your child doesn’t want to sit on Uncle Joe’s lap and read a book, or if he doesn’t want to kiss Gramma or hug family friend Phil goodbye, don’t force the child. Teach your child multiple ways of greeting people, like high-fives and hand-shakes…or do like the Bromley’s and pass out fist-bump-explosions. :)
If a child does express negative reaction or concern about affection with a specific person, be sure to follow up on this! Make time to talk to them about it, ask questions, listen well and respond appropriately. This open conversation can empower a child in more healthy ways than you can imagine (we will discuss more of this soon).
Good communication on safety and the body may decrease a child’s vulnerability to sexual abuse and increase the likelihood that the child will speak up if they are being groomed for sexual abuse or if abuse has already occurred.
A few books for parents to read with young children on this topic, as recommended by our Facebook followers:
Talk to the children in your life. Spend time with them. Ask questions.
Get to know them.
One of the most valuable things a parent can do is to take the time to really know their child. Know what they like and don’t like. Know your child’s friends. Know your child’s friend’s parents. Know your child so well that you are attuned to changes.
Kids are not second-class citizens. They are real people, with thoughts, ideas, gifts, talents, fears, humor and unconditional love. I love bedtime with my 3 year old because we often have real conversations that blow my mind. He understands so much more than I often give him credit for and he desires wisdom and soaks in information better than I could dream of doing.
Use teachable moments and everyday opportunities to initiate a deeper conversation, such as current news stories or stories they share with you about their friends.
Be patient.
Set a tone of openness. Talking openly and directly will tell your child that it is okay to come to you with questions, fears or confusion; and when your child presents concerns or questions, make time to really listen and talk with them.
Practice talking before there is ever a problem. Be willing to say the hard things, ask the difficult questions, confront red flag behavior. Speak the embarrassing words out loud; you will both will become more comfortable using those words over time. Developing a practice of stress-free conversations surrounding tough issues with people (big and small) in your life helps to keep everyone open and honest. Make it obvious to those close to you that you are a good listener, non-judgmental, and will listen to what they have to share, no matter what.
When they ask questions, listen for the question behind the question. Sometimes a child may ask you something with the hope that you will take initiative in moving toward their real question. The child needs affirmation that their questions are okay and that you are willing to be there for them, especially in tough or awkward conversations. They are also testing to see if they can approach you on such subjects.
Who do you feel you can trust? Talk to your children about these people. Give them permission to talk to these specific adults when they feel scared, uncomfortable or confused about someone’s behavior toward them. And let them know that they should always talk to you—even about those you feel are trustworthy—and that you will always listen and love and protect them no matter what.
Don’t keep the family secrets; avoid perpetuating generational curses. Don’t avoid talking about situations or topics that arise in your own extended family or in families you associate with.
1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by their 18th birthdays.
This means that in every classroom, church, club or neighborhood, there are a number of children who are carrying the silent pain of sexual abuse. These kids need someone like you to be knowledgeable enough about the issue to look beneath the surface, to possibly save or protect an innocent child, and bring their abuser to justice.
So, EDUCATE yourself on the definition and the warning signs of childhood sexual abuse.
Common Signs & Symptoms:
Physical Indicators:
Complaints of bruises, sores, itching or irritation in private areas or mouth
Physical symptoms such as: sexually transmitted diseases; pregnancy, urinary tract infections
Chronic ailments, stomach aches, headaches, vomiting, tired, sleeping problems
Eating disorders, weight changes
Emotional Indicators
Sleep disturbances
Low Self-Esteem
Anxiety
Phobias: Reluctance to go to a particular place (home); fear of being with a particular person; fear of being alone; fear of dark
Age-inappropriate understanding of sexual behavior
Academic problems or over-achievement
Extreme curiosity and creativity or lack of spontaneity
Inability to concentrate, “zoning out”
Show Signs of Depression: (Talk about feeling empty, hopeless, guilty, worthless Difficulty in thinking clearly, making decisions, and completing homework)
Behavioral Indicators:
Obsession with genitals: Fondling self, Talking about private parts, Unusually modest or sensitive to normal touching
Aggressive behavior
Sexual acting out
Lack of or overly affectionate behavior
Poor peer relationships
Lying
Delinquency: running away, prostitution, alcohol or drug use
Secretiveness
Withdrawal from family, peers, or activities
Nightmares
Loss of concentration/poor school performance
Age Inappropriate Behavior:
Consistent thumb sucking
Bed wetting
Sexually active
Use of sexual language/materials
Sexually aggressive
Seductive act or dress
Extreme Behavior Patterns:
Either overly affectionate or rejecting affection
Fearful of relationships or overly compliant
Withdrawn & isolated or over-active, aggressive, hyper
Withdrawal of affection or overly affectionate
Unusually and consistently irritable or detached and disengaged
Noticeable and Sudden Changes:
Personal Interests
Behavior Patterns
Discipline needs
Friendships
Diet
Study Habits…grades
Change of attitude
Lack of interest in activities
Lack of attendance in class
Decline of academic or athletic performance
Distance and distracted
Lack of concentration
Depression
For older students…no clear memory of childhood
Fear of spending time at home during long breaks
Overall, there are many possible signs and symptoms of the possibility of abuse; it is important to simply be aware of any strange behavior or sudden swings…anything that seems like red flags to you as a parent, teacher, coach, etc., deserves your attention. With the number of stories out there and the reality of statistics on this issue, we need to be sensitive and respond to these characteristics all the time!
Stay tuned for more tips from us on “Protecting Kids from Sexual Abuse”
In nearly every radio and television interview I (Nicole Bromley) do, I mention the importance of giving children ownership over their own bodies, not forcing kids to hug and kiss others when they don’t want to, and teaching children that they have a right to say “no” to unwanted touch. In this recent CNN article, Katia Hetter echoes many of my own words and parenting beliefs and I wanted to share this great article with you:
“I don’t own my child’s body” by Katia Hetter, CNN
Some experts advise parents not to make their children hug and kiss relatives, so children will feel in control of their bodies.
(CNN) — My daughter occasionally goes on a hugging and kissing strike.
She’s 4. Her parents could get a hug or a kiss, but many people who know her cannot, at least right now. And I won’t make her.
“I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won’t make you do it,” I told her recently.
“I don’t have to?” she asked, cuddling up to me at bedtime, confirming the facts to be sure.
No, she doesn’t have to. And just to be clear, there is no passive-aggressive, conditional, manipulative nonsense behind my statement. I mean what I say. She doesn’t have to hug or kiss anyone just because I say so, not even me. I will not override my own child’s currently strong instincts to back off from touching someone who she chooses not to touch.
I figure her body is actually hers, not mine.
It doesn’t belong to her parents, preschool teacher, dance teacher or soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn’t have to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her.
The trial of Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State football coach accused of sexually abusing young boys, has only strengthened my resolve to teach my kid that it’s OK to say no to an adult who lays a hand on her — even a seemingly friendly hand.
Sandusky’s comments on child rape allegations
“When we force children to submit to unwanted affection in order not to offend a relative or hurt a friend’s feelings, we teach them that their bodies do not really belong to them because they have to push aside their own feelings about what feels right to them,” said Irene van der Zande, co-founder and executive director of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, a nonprofit specializing in teaching personal safety and violence prevention. “This leads to children getting sexually abused, teen girls submitting to sexual behavior so ‘he’ll like me’ and kids enduring bullying because everyone is ‘having fun.’ “
Protection against predators
Forcing children to touch people when they don’t want to leaves them vulnerable to sexual abusers, most of whom are people known to the children they abuse, according to Ursula Wagner, a mental health clinician with the FamilyWorks program at Heartland Alliance in Chicago. None of the child victims of sexual abuse or assault she’s counseled was attacked by strangers, she said.
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Sometimes a child picks up on something odd about your brother-in-law that no one knows. It may not be that he’s a sexual predator. He may just have no sense of boundaries or tickle too much, which can be torture for a person who doesn’t like it. Or he may be a predator.
“It sends a message that there are certain situations [when] it’s not up to them what they do with their bodies,” said Wagner. “If they are obligated to be affectionate even if they don’t want to, it makes them vulnerable to sexual abuse later on.”
Why wait until there’s trouble? Parenting coach Sharon Silver worked hard to cultivate her children’s detector. Silver says her sons easily pick up on subtle clues that suggest something isn’t quite right about particular people or situations.
In your child’s case, it may be that something’s off about Aunt Linda or the music teacher down the street.
“It’s something inside of you that tells you when something is wrong,” said Silver. Training your child to pay attention to those instincts may protect him or her in the future.
Having sex to please someone else
Would you want your daughter to have sex with her boyfriend simply to make him happy? Parents who justify ordering their children to kiss grandma might say, “It’s different.”
No, it’s not, according to author Jennifer Lehr, who blogs about her parenting style. Ordering children to kiss or hug an adult they don’t want to touch teaches them to use their body to please you or someone else in authority or, really, anyone.
“The message a child gets is that not only is another person’s emotional state their responsibility but that they must also sacrifice their own bodies to buoy another’s ego or satisfy their desire for love or affection,” said Lehr.
“Certainly no parent would wish for their teenager or adult child to feel pressure to reciprocate unwanted sexual advances, yet many teach their children at a young age that it’s their job to use their bodies to make others happy,” she said.
We can’t be rude
You might think my daughter’s shiftless parents are not teaching her manners, but that’s not true. She will shake your hand in greeting or give you a high-five when we’re saying goodbye. She knows how to set the table and place a napkin in her lap. She even has me saying a little all-inclusive blessing she brought home from school.
We’ve trained her to say please and thank you so often that she’ll say it back to me when I ask her anything. “What did you say?” I sometimes ask her when I didn’t hear her. “Please?” she’ll answer. No, I meant what did she actually say? (Maybe we’re overdoing it.)
Once a cheater, always a cheater?
She has to be polite when greeting people, whether she knows them or not. When family and friends greet us, I give her the option of “a hug or a high-five.” Since she’s been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she sometimes offers that option. We talk about high-fives so often she’s started using them to meet anyone, which can make the start of any social occasion look like a touchdown celebration.
“When kids are really little and shy, parents can start to offer them choices for treating people with respect and care,” said van der Zande. “By age 6 or 7, even shy kids can shake somebody’s hand or wave or do something to communicate respect and care. Manners — treating people with respect and care — is different than demanding physical displays of affection.”
It creates more work
Refusing to order her to hand out hugs or kisses on demand means there’s more work to keep the relationships going and keep feelings from being hurt. Most of our extended family live far away, so it’s my job to teach my kiddo about people she doesn’t see on a daily basis.
We make sure to keep in contact with calls and Skype and presents. In advance of loved ones’ visits, which usually means an all-day plane ride, I talk a lot about how we’re related to our guests, what they mean to me and what we’re going to do when they arrive. I give them plenty of opportunity to interact with her so she can learn to trust them.
I explain to relatives who want to know why we’re letting her decide who she touches. And when she does hug them, the joy is palpable. Not from obligation or a direct order from Mom.
And while I hope I’m teaching my child how to take care of herself in the future, there are benefits to allowing her to express affection in her own way and on her own timeline. When my child cuddled up to my mother on the sofa recently, happily talking to her about stories and socks and toes and other things, my mother’s face lit up. She knew it was real.
Did your parents make you hug and kiss relatives? Are your kids required to give grandma a hug? Share your experience in the comments section below.
Remember that these signs could mean a number of things and point to a variety of stressful situations, including divorce, death of a pet or loved one, problems at school or with friends, etc. Any single sign a child exhibits doesn’t mean that a child was definitely sexually abused, but the presence of several of them should definitely motivate you to begin asking questions and consider seeking help.
Here are some common signs brought to you by our friends at StopItNow!
Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent
Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
Seems distracted or distant at odd times
Has a sudden change in eating habits
Refuses to eat
Loses or drastically increases appetite
Has trouble swallowing
Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places
Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
Talks about a new older friend
Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge
Signs more typical of younger children
An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
Has new words for private body parts
Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal
Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training
Signs more typical in adolescents
Self-injury (cutting, burning)
Inadequate personal hygiene
Drug and alcohol abuse
Sexual promiscuity
Running away from home
Depression, anxiety
Suicide attempts
Fear of intimacy or closeness
Compulsive eating or dieting
Physical warning signs
Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training
Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare. If you see these signs, you should have your child examined by a medical professional who can also help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.
Stay tuned for tips on what you can do if you are noticing warning signs…
