Memories. They are some of the most difficult places we encounter on this journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse. Remembering the horrific things we endured is a painful thing. And, bubbling to the surface along with each memory, are the emotions and sensory responses similar to what may have surrounded the event, making it feel almost as if it were happening to us now. It’s all so much for a survivor to face alone. And, since sexual abuse isn’t typically a one-time occurrence, so also is memory work not often a one-time process.
I’m often quoted as saying: “healing is a lifelong journey” and I was recently reminded of that truth myself, specifically in relation to memories.
For me as a youngster, family vacation was a time of excitement and expectation laced with fear, confusion, sexualization, secrets and sadness. The majority of the abuse I endured at the hands of my stepfather occurred on our family’s summer trips. It would happen in the ocean, in the parking lot, in the pool, on the elevator, in our hotel room. My stepfather’s molestation was sneaky and scheming. I felt controlled in every sense. I was afraid to tell, but I desperately wanted to; I was fearful of being alone with my stepdad on vacation, but I was just as frightened by what might happen if this secret was somehow revealed. I never knew what was waiting for me around the corner, whether my stepfather’s intentions in each moment were going to be good or bad, whether I would have a normal father/daughter experience or a twisted one, and I didn’t know how to protect myself from the latter. The safest answer I knew was to be silent and endure.
Needless to say, I was taken advantage of…summer after summer. So many family vacations I wanted to forget.
Fast forward to 2011.
Last week I watched my own children build castles in the sand; we splashed in the pool together; and my two year old and I walked the beach, collecting seashells as the sun slowly fell to sleep below the horizon. I talked with my son about everything we saw, heard, smelled and touched. A quiet moment came as we walked, hand-in-hand, and my mind drifted back to my own childhood…times when these activities didn’t carry the genuine smiles, laughter and screaming excitement I was now witnessing from my own kids.
Photo (c) Nicole Bromley
Emotion from my past swept over me like the ocean waves, telling me that vacations were not fun and that family was not safe. The mental images of molestation at Virginia Beach, Disney World, Washington DC, and the Bahamas were so vivid. They brought familiar feelings, yet they were distant experiences. Memories of sexual abuse can be that way.
But I have learned that, in order to heal and walk through my memories, I must remember what is in the past and what is my current reality, I must focus on what is true and I must hold onto what is hopeful.
The reality for all of us sexual abuse survivors is that we have been through something horrible—something we never deserved—and we must face those real things (best done with the help of a counselor or someone trained to help walk with you through that process). The truth is that we are not there now. For me, those experiences occurred 15 years ago and my stepfather is no longer here to hurt me. I may still hurt, screw-up, feel frightened or alone in the days ahead, but God is my grace and comfort and He will never leave or forsake me on the path before me. I must also remember the wonderful people currently in my life—special family and friends who support and love me—and know that I am not a victim of my circumstances. I have power to choose. I also have purpose and responsibilities today that are far too important to remove my focus from. Among these is being a wife to a faithful, amazing husband and another is being a mom to two beautiful boys—and, as such, I am in the position to nurture and protect my kids as best I can and not allow the effects of my past to continue on to my children and the rest of their generation. I can and will make those choices. I hope you will join me when you face our own triggers that assuredly bring up painful memories from your past.
“Overcoming your triggers will take a conscious effort at first. Sometimes you’ll have to force your mind stay in the present. Remind yourself where you are, and how old you are, and whom you’re with. Communicate with [someone you trust]… Share your feelings, thoughts, and concerns… I have found that living with my fears brings me more hurt and chaos than facing them and trusting the Lord to help me overcome them.”
(excerpt from Hush, by Nicole Braddock Bromley, 2007)
With God’s hand in ours, walking the beaches of our memories, we can experience freedom from the painful memories of the past and experience genuine joy in the days ahead.
May God bless our journeys,
Nicole
What has helped you walk through your own painful memories?
